Parents...what can you do?
Ever since I've really been aware of my parents, I've known that they didn't have a great relationship. At the time, it was hard for me to know any better, since most of my friends' parents were divorced. I really didn't have anything to compare them to. As I grew older, and started to glean more information from them, and about them, I started to realize what I thought some of their problems were.

For starters, they fall under the of the category of "had to get married." My brilliant math skills helped me realize that October (when they got married) to April (when I was born) was only six months, three months shorter than a human gestation period. When I told my mom that I had figured this out, she asked if I had any questions about it, which I didn't at the time. A few years later, it came up again, and she said that my father had gone to his station at Vance Air Force Base in Enid, Oklahoma when she found out, and was considering getting an abortion. Turns out that my dad was lonely down there, so he called and asked my mom to marry him and move down there with him. So at 22 and 23, respectively, my mom and dad got married, mom three months pregnant with me, to start their lives together in a state that was foreign to both of them.

After more conversations with both of them, I started to realize that, at least to me, they each expected the other to be a different person. My dad wanted my mom to be a quiet housewife like his mother, and my mom expected my dad to be more outgoing and funloving, like he had been in college. Neither of those things happened, and I think they resented each other because of it.

I have no idea why they decided to have another child so soon, but 18 months later, my younger brother was born, this time in Limestone, Maine. Tim and I brought sibling rivalry to a whole new level. Even as a kid I knew that there were times that I just wanted to get him into trouble, but I had no idea why.

Fastfoward several years, to my time in college. Mom and Dad are still together, despite the coolness around the house and the occasional shouting matches. Dad was offered a new job in California, and my mom's company had an office in the same general area, so they moved south, together. Again, I have no idea why, but it didn't last long. After just a few years, my mom moved back up to Washington while my dad stayed in California. This was probably the best time in their relationship, the distance seemed to give them time to breathe and not be on each other's back.

It was kind of weird for me, though. People would find out that my mom and dad lived in two different states, but they weren't divorced. They'd ask my why they didn't get divorced, but I was never able to give them an answer, because I didn't know, and it didn't seem to be my place to ask.

Fast forward several more years. Jim and I are about to celebrate our 15th wedding anniversary, Tim and Jen just celebrated 10 years (or was it 11? Tim, you're such a dork!), when my brother lets something slip during a phone conversation. He wants to know if I've talked to Dad recently. He tries to backpeddle when he realizes that I don't know, but I badger him into telling me. Turns out that my dad has a girlfriend. Okay, that's fine, he's been alone for many years, he deserves to have someone special in his life. The only problem is that of proximity. Dad and Tim are in California, Mom and I are in Washington. Which means that I'll get the brunt of whatever emotional backlash comes from this knowledge. Sigh.

Dad finally makes the trip north, and tells my mom about Vicky. And that he's considering asking her for a divorce, but that seems to be driven by his accountant, not this other woman. Who knows, again, not my place to ask.

Dad and I have dinner to talk about this, and I tell him that it's fine. He tells me that he's not even sure about this relationship, or the divorce - he just doesn't seem to want to devote a lot of time to any of it. What he does want to talk about, is our childhood. He feels that he wasn't there much, and he's concerned that I feel cheated somehow. He and Tim have been able to spend a lot of quality time rehashing these things, and they both feel better about it. Unfortunately, if I were to try and have those conversations with my mom about anything like that, she'd start crying, and I'd feel awful. A lose-lose situation.

Mom and I have dinner a week later, and it comes up. I made the mistake of telling her that I knew about this woman several months ago, which upsets her, because she's "always the last to know." Lovely. Then she goes on a small tirade about the divorce being suggested because my dad's tax accountant thinks his taxes are too complicated. Great. THEN we get to the fun stuff. I've given my mom the link to my MySpace.com page because she was interested in my writing. Well, I had written a blog about my 40th birthday and how I felt let down by my family. Here come the tears. She wasn't ready to be a mother, didn't really want to be, felt she was a single parent with my dad being gone all the time.....there goes my appetite.

Then she starts telling me that my dad's been unfaithful off and on all through their marriage. Great, I don't want to hear this. And of course she's so down on herself she doesn't figure she's ever going to meet someone. She's gone to see a therapist in the past, but she's not going right now. I tried to subtly suggest that she go back, but I don't think she got the message.

So now, at 40 years old, I feel like I'm a pawn in my parents' marriage and possible divorce. He said, she said....blech. I don't want anything to do with it. Is that unreasonable? They can do whatever they want, it really has very little bearing on my life. Fuck.

I guess for now I'll have to wait and see what happens, and try to make sure that none of this spills into my marriage. I am happy, and I'm not going to let any of them ruin that.