kjuw89 (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} kjuw89) wrote,@ 2006-09-28 11:03:00 |
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Life Lessons
Now that I've turned 40, I've started doing some analysis of my life and my personality. Well, I've been doing it for years, but it seems more real, more tangible now. I'm not really sure why - maybe it's because I'm to an age that I remember my parents being, so there's some "circle of life" phenomenon going on.
Actually, I have an idea as to why I'm doing this. I started listening to country music back in 1999 (I think), and because country music is rooted in the south, the Bible Belt, a lot of the songs reflect that part of the country. Drinkin' and pickup trucks and cheatin' women are popular themes, if not a little stereotypical. There are also a lot of songs about family, both good and bad, although the good songs seem to outnumber the bad ones. Songs about the blessings of children and how parents are heroes get a lot of air play. This fine for most people, but these types of songs can upset me sometimes, because I have no connection to them, and I should.
I've said before that my upbringing was less than perfect. My dad wanted kids, but he was never around. My mom didn't want kids, so she did the best she could. Yet I hear these songs about moms being their kids' heroes, and I've got nothing. I never felt like my brother and I were blessings to them, and I've never considered either of my parents to be heroes to me. How sad is that?
Hmm. This journal entry has gone off in a completely different direction than the one I intended. What I had intended to do was to use my journal as a free psychiatrist, some place to work through some issues to get a better understanding of who I am. As I've analyzed my life, and determined why I act/feel the way I do, I was going to write them down as the lessons in my life. It's not all bad, and there are some things I've learned from my parents that are positive, and I'd write about them too. This was going to be about one of the first ones I identified, my emotional reactions to people and events. Does this tie in with the beginning of this journal entry? I don't know...guess we'll have to wait and see.
Part of my current job is providing technical support to people over the phone. Most people are fine - they pick up what I'm saying, they follow along, they LISTEN to me, and they're grateful for my help. A few, though, can't seem to grasp the simplest concepts, feel that the work I'm asking them to do is beneath them, or they revel in their lack of computer knowledge. These people make me crazy. I do my best to be patient with them, but I know that my voice gets edgy and I sound exasperated. I get called on this about once per month from my supervisors - our users tell them that I make them feel "stupid." Well, some of you are, but that's not the point. I shouldn't make you feel that way, and I'm constantly trying to mask my annoyance and be more patient. I've said a few times that I don't hide my emotions well, a necessity in these situations.
On the other hand, though, apparently I do hide my emotions well in other situations. Jim will give me a gift for Christmas or my birthday, or do something really nice and/or romantic for me, and my response is often very subdued. For some reason I'm uncomfortable expressing my happiness in those cases.
Wait a minute. I can't hide negative emotions, but I'm reluctant to show positive emotions? What's that all about? At best it should be the other way around.
The more I thought about this duality, I recalled some hazy memories from my youth, specifically when I was about 12 or 13. Nothing specific, just some overall feelings. I can remember my mom smiling, laughing, trying to elicit a similar response from my dad, or at least a kiss, and getting nothing. There were even times where he put her down for acting that way. I'm pretty sure that was absorbed deeply by my impressionable mind.
I know that my parents learned these behaviors from THEIR parents, and now it's been distilled down and passed on to me. And my brother. He and I have talked about our childhood a few times, but I don't think we've touched on this particular issue. I'd be interested to know if he feels the same way.
The question is what to do with this information. Once you've identified a problem, how do you fix it? How do I undo 25 years of learned behavior? Is it even possible? I am trying to be more expressive of happiness, hopefully I'm succeeding. As for hiding the negative, that's a little harder. I've discovered that I'm a little like a drug addict in that regard. You know, you have to WANT to change for anything to happen. Unfortunately, there are times that I almost want to let them know that I'm annoyed. Not out of some kind of superiority complex, but to try and nudge them toward figuring it out for themselves. I'm a big fan of the saying, "Give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime." If they can connect the dots in their mind, they'll be more successful with the program and their business. Maybe I'm like a mamma bird, pushing the babies out of the nest so that they have to fly. I just have to find a more "people-oriented" way to do it.
Wow. I feel better. Maybe there's something to this "stream of consciousness" thing after all.
Now that I've turned 40, I've started doing some analysis of my life and my personality. Well, I've been doing it for years, but it seems more real, more tangible now. I'm not really sure why - maybe it's because I'm to an age that I remember my parents being, so there's some "circle of life" phenomenon going on.
Actually, I have an idea as to why I'm doing this. I started listening to country music back in 1999 (I think), and because country music is rooted in the south, the Bible Belt, a lot of the songs reflect that part of the country. Drinkin' and pickup trucks and cheatin' women are popular themes, if not a little stereotypical. There are also a lot of songs about family, both good and bad, although the good songs seem to outnumber the bad ones. Songs about the blessings of children and how parents are heroes get a lot of air play. This fine for most people, but these types of songs can upset me sometimes, because I have no connection to them, and I should.
I've said before that my upbringing was less than perfect. My dad wanted kids, but he was never around. My mom didn't want kids, so she did the best she could. Yet I hear these songs about moms being their kids' heroes, and I've got nothing. I never felt like my brother and I were blessings to them, and I've never considered either of my parents to be heroes to me. How sad is that?
Hmm. This journal entry has gone off in a completely different direction than the one I intended. What I had intended to do was to use my journal as a free psychiatrist, some place to work through some issues to get a better understanding of who I am. As I've analyzed my life, and determined why I act/feel the way I do, I was going to write them down as the lessons in my life. It's not all bad, and there are some things I've learned from my parents that are positive, and I'd write about them too. This was going to be about one of the first ones I identified, my emotional reactions to people and events. Does this tie in with the beginning of this journal entry? I don't know...guess we'll have to wait and see.
Part of my current job is providing technical support to people over the phone. Most people are fine - they pick up what I'm saying, they follow along, they LISTEN to me, and they're grateful for my help. A few, though, can't seem to grasp the simplest concepts, feel that the work I'm asking them to do is beneath them, or they revel in their lack of computer knowledge. These people make me crazy. I do my best to be patient with them, but I know that my voice gets edgy and I sound exasperated. I get called on this about once per month from my supervisors - our users tell them that I make them feel "stupid." Well, some of you are, but that's not the point. I shouldn't make you feel that way, and I'm constantly trying to mask my annoyance and be more patient. I've said a few times that I don't hide my emotions well, a necessity in these situations.
On the other hand, though, apparently I do hide my emotions well in other situations. Jim will give me a gift for Christmas or my birthday, or do something really nice and/or romantic for me, and my response is often very subdued. For some reason I'm uncomfortable expressing my happiness in those cases.
Wait a minute. I can't hide negative emotions, but I'm reluctant to show positive emotions? What's that all about? At best it should be the other way around.
The more I thought about this duality, I recalled some hazy memories from my youth, specifically when I was about 12 or 13. Nothing specific, just some overall feelings. I can remember my mom smiling, laughing, trying to elicit a similar response from my dad, or at least a kiss, and getting nothing. There were even times where he put her down for acting that way. I'm pretty sure that was absorbed deeply by my impressionable mind.
I know that my parents learned these behaviors from THEIR parents, and now it's been distilled down and passed on to me. And my brother. He and I have talked about our childhood a few times, but I don't think we've touched on this particular issue. I'd be interested to know if he feels the same way.
The question is what to do with this information. Once you've identified a problem, how do you fix it? How do I undo 25 years of learned behavior? Is it even possible? I am trying to be more expressive of happiness, hopefully I'm succeeding. As for hiding the negative, that's a little harder. I've discovered that I'm a little like a drug addict in that regard. You know, you have to WANT to change for anything to happen. Unfortunately, there are times that I almost want to let them know that I'm annoyed. Not out of some kind of superiority complex, but to try and nudge them toward figuring it out for themselves. I'm a big fan of the saying, "Give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime." If they can connect the dots in their mind, they'll be more successful with the program and their business. Maybe I'm like a mamma bird, pushing the babies out of the nest so that they have to fly. I just have to find a more "people-oriented" way to do it.
Wow. I feel better. Maybe there's something to this "stream of consciousness" thing after all.
