Below are the 5 most recent journal entries recorded in kjuw89's LiveJournal:

Wednesday, April 11th, 2007
7:58 pm	My Life Number This couldn't be more wrong for me... Your Life Path Number is 1 Your purpose in life is to lead others. You have great drive and determination. Nothing is going to stand in your way. You seek out challenges and the spotlight. You'll take all the work - and all the glory. Status and success are important to you. You demand the best from everyone and everything. In love, you tend to take a protective role. You enjoy being the provider in relationships. You expect others to be like you, and as a result, you are often disappointed. A little selfish and vain, you always put yourself first. Remember, everyone already knows you're great - you don't need to remind them! What Is Your Life Path Number? (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, September 28th, 2006
11:03 am	Life Lessons Now that I've turned 40, I've started doing some analysis of my life and my personality. Well, I've been doing it for years, but it seems more real, more tangible now. I'm not really sure why - maybe it's because I'm to an age that I remember my parents being, so there's some "circle of life" phenomenon going on. Actually, I have an idea as to why I'm doing this. I started listening to country music back in 1999 (I think), and because country music is rooted in the south, the Bible Belt, a lot of the songs reflect that part of the country. Drinkin' and pickup trucks and cheatin' women are popular themes, if not a little stereotypical. There are also a lot of songs about family, both good and bad, although the good songs seem to outnumber the bad ones. Songs about the blessings of children and how parents are heroes get a lot of air play. This fine for most people, but these types of songs can upset me sometimes, because I have no connection to them, and I should. I've said before that my upbringing was less than perfect. My dad wanted kids, but he was never around. My mom didn't want kids, so she did the best she could. Yet I hear these songs about moms being their kids' heroes, and I've got nothing. I never felt like my brother and I were blessings to them, and I've never considered either of my parents to be heroes to me. How sad is that? Hmm. This journal entry has gone off in a completely different direction than the one I intended. What I had intended to do was to use my journal as a free psychiatrist, some place to work through some issues to get a better understanding of who I am. As I've analyzed my life, and determined why I act/feel the way I do, I was going to write them down as the lessons in my life. It's not all bad, and there are some things I've learned from my parents that are positive, and I'd write about them too. This was going to be about one of the first ones I identified, my emotional reactions to people and events. Does this tie in with the beginning of this journal entry? I don't know...guess we'll have to wait and see. Part of my current job is providing technical support to people over the phone. Most people are fine - they pick up what I'm saying, they follow along, they LISTEN to me, and they're grateful for my help. A few, though, can't seem to grasp the simplest concepts, feel that the work I'm asking them to do is beneath them, or they revel in their lack of computer knowledge. These people make me crazy. I do my best to be patient with them, but I know that my voice gets edgy and I sound exasperated. I get called on this about once per month from my supervisors - our users tell them that I make them feel "stupid." Well, some of you are, but that's not the point. I shouldn't make you feel that way, and I'm constantly trying to mask my annoyance and be more patient. I've said a few times that I don't hide my emotions well, a necessity in these situations. On the other hand, though, apparently I do hide my emotions well in other situations. Jim will give me a gift for Christmas or my birthday, or do something really nice and/or romantic for me, and my response is often very subdued. For some reason I'm uncomfortable expressing my happiness in those cases. Wait a minute. I can't hide negative emotions, but I'm reluctant to show positive emotions? What's that all about? At best it should be the other way around. The more I thought about this duality, I recalled some hazy memories from my youth, specifically when I was about 12 or 13. Nothing specific, just some overall feelings. I can remember my mom smiling, laughing, trying to elicit a similar response from my dad, or at least a kiss, and getting nothing. There were even times where he put her down for acting that way. I'm pretty sure that was absorbed deeply by my impressionable mind. I know that my parents learned these behaviors from THEIR parents, and now it's been distilled down and passed on to me. And my brother. He and I have talked about our childhood a few times, but I don't think we've touched on this particular issue. I'd be interested to know if he feels the same way. The question is what to do with this information. Once you've identified a problem, how do you fix it? How do I undo 25 years of learned behavior? Is it even possible? I am trying to be more expressive of happiness, hopefully I'm succeeding. As for hiding the negative, that's a little harder. I've discovered that I'm a little like a drug addict in that regard. You know, you have to WANT to change for anything to happen. Unfortunately, there are times that I almost want to let them know that I'm annoyed. Not out of some kind of superiority complex, but to try and nudge them toward figuring it out for themselves. I'm a big fan of the saying, "Give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime." If they can connect the dots in their mind, they'll be more successful with the program and their business. Maybe I'm like a mamma bird, pushing the babies out of the nest so that they have to fly. I just have to find a more "people-oriented" way to do it. Wow. I feel better. Maybe there's something to this "stream of consciousness" thing after all. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, May 21st, 2006
4:19 pm	Parents...what can you do? Ever since I've really been aware of my parents, I've known that they didn't have a great relationship. At the time, it was hard for me to know any better, since most of my friends' parents were divorced. I really didn't have anything to compare them to. As I grew older, and started to glean more information from them, and about them, I started to realize what I thought some of their problems were. For starters, they fall under the of the category of "had to get married." My brilliant math skills helped me realize that October (when they got married) to April (when I was born) was only six months, three months shorter than a human gestation period. When I told my mom that I had figured this out, she asked if I had any questions about it, which I didn't at the time. A few years later, it came up again, and she said that my father had gone to his station at Vance Air Force Base in Enid, Oklahoma when she found out, and was considering getting an abortion. Turns out that my dad was lonely down there, so he called and asked my mom to marry him and move down there with him. So at 22 and 23, respectively, my mom and dad got married, mom three months pregnant with me, to start their lives together in a state that was foreign to both of them. After more conversations with both of them, I started to realize that, at least to me, they each expected the other to be a different person. My dad wanted my mom to be a quiet housewife like his mother, and my mom expected my dad to be more outgoing and funloving, like he had been in college. Neither of those things happened, and I think they resented each other because of it. I have no idea why they decided to have another child so soon, but 18 months later, my younger brother was born, this time in Limestone, Maine. Tim and I brought sibling rivalry to a whole new level. Even as a kid I knew that there were times that I just wanted to get him into trouble, but I had no idea why. Fastfoward several years, to my time in college. Mom and Dad are still together, despite the coolness around the house and the occasional shouting matches. Dad was offered a new job in California, and my mom's company had an office in the same general area, so they moved south, together. Again, I have no idea why, but it didn't last long. After just a few years, my mom moved back up to Washington while my dad stayed in California. This was probably the best time in their relationship, the distance seemed to give them time to breathe and not be on each other's back. It was kind of weird for me, though. People would find out that my mom and dad lived in two different states, but they weren't divorced. They'd ask my why they didn't get divorced, but I was never able to give them an answer, because I didn't know, and it didn't seem to be my place to ask. Fast forward several more years. Jim and I are about to celebrate our 15th wedding anniversary, Tim and Jen just celebrated 10 years (or was it 11? Tim, you're such a dork!), when my brother lets something slip during a phone conversation. He wants to know if I've talked to Dad recently. He tries to backpeddle when he realizes that I don't know, but I badger him into telling me. Turns out that my dad has a girlfriend. Okay, that's fine, he's been alone for many years, he deserves to have someone special in his life. The only problem is that of proximity. Dad and Tim are in California, Mom and I are in Washington. Which means that I'll get the brunt of whatever emotional backlash comes from this knowledge. Sigh. Dad finally makes the trip north, and tells my mom about Vicky. And that he's considering asking her for a divorce, but that seems to be driven by his accountant, not this other woman. Who knows, again, not my place to ask. Dad and I have dinner to talk about this, and I tell him that it's fine. He tells me that he's not even sure about this relationship, or the divorce - he just doesn't seem to want to devote a lot of time to any of it. What he does want to talk about, is our childhood. He feels that he wasn't there much, and he's concerned that I feel cheated somehow. He and Tim have been able to spend a lot of quality time rehashing these things, and they both feel better about it. Unfortunately, if I were to try and have those conversations with my mom about anything like that, she'd start crying, and I'd feel awful. A lose-lose situation. Mom and I have dinner a week later, and it comes up. I made the mistake of telling her that I knew about this woman several months ago, which upsets her, because she's "always the last to know." Lovely. Then she goes on a small tirade about the divorce being suggested because my dad's tax accountant thinks his taxes are too complicated. Great. THEN we get to the fun stuff. I've given my mom the link to my MySpace.com page because she was interested in my writing. Well, I had written a blog about my 40th birthday and how I felt let down by my family. Here come the tears. She wasn't ready to be a mother, didn't really want to be, felt she was a single parent with my dad being gone all the time.....there goes my appetite. Then she starts telling me that my dad's been unfaithful off and on all through their marriage. Great, I don't want to hear this. And of course she's so down on herself she doesn't figure she's ever going to meet someone. She's gone to see a therapist in the past, but she's not going right now. I tried to subtly suggest that she go back, but I don't think she got the message. So now, at 40 years old, I feel like I'm a pawn in my parents' marriage and possible divorce. He said, she said....blech. I don't want anything to do with it. Is that unreasonable? They can do whatever they want, it really has very little bearing on my life. Fuck. I guess for now I'll have to wait and see what happens, and try to make sure that none of this spills into my marriage. I am happy, and I'm not going to let any of them ruin that. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 15th, 2006
9:01 am	testing the "cut" Here is a sample journal entry. ( Read more... ) (Comment on this)
Monday, March 13th, 2006
7:23 am	Just checking I'm still not sure this is working correctly, but here goes.... (Comment on this)